*** Want to be one of the great entrepreneurs? Consider how business and entrepreneurship affect one’s family. As January marks a new year for new ventures, my writing colleague and friend, Dorcas Cheng-Tozun, an Inc.com columnist, offers advice for those embarking on entrepreneurial exploits. Thank you, Dorcas!
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If I asked you to imagine an entrepreneur, you’d likely picture Steve Jobs in his black turtleneck. Or Mark Zuckerberg in his gray T-shirt. Or Elon Musk or Bill Gates. Or another innovator-disrupter-leader you admire.
And in all likelihood, you would imagine that entrepreneur alone, tinkering in the garage, coding on a computer, scribbling on a white board—essentially, enhancing our world with his or her creative genius. It seems only possible that such masterminds would lead exciting, glamorous, mysterious lives.
But here’s what life really looks like for the majority of these passionate pioneers: 70 percent of them are married, and almost as many have children. They may be brilliant, but they are also spouses and parents and neighbors. They still need to pay the bills, do household chores, and shuttle the kids around to activities—or they need to have someone else do it for them.
We like to celebrate entrepreneurs as larger than life figures, but they are surprisingly human, as susceptible to the incredible stresses of building a business as you and I. One study found that 72 percent of entrepreneurs say they struggle with mental health issues, including depression and ADHD. These numbers are far higher than that of the general population.
To some extent, this isn’t surprising, given that nine out of ten new businesses fail, and the typical entrepreneur earns 35 percent less over ten-year than he or she would have earned working for someone else.
The start-up road isn’t for the faint of heart. For many entrepreneurs, it is no less than a labor of love.
Unfortunately, though, their other loves can suffer as a result. Company founders put so much of their best time, energy, and attention into their work that their significant others and children often feel neglected. In a recent study, 27 percent of entrepreneurs said that starting a business had negatively impacted their relationships and family life.
Between spouses, this can lead to resentment, miscommunication, and distance. No wonder, then, that psychologist and author Ty Tashiro estimates that entrepreneurs are at an 8 to 10 percent higher risk of infidelity or divorce.
I am one of those entrepreneurs’ spouses. I spent years wondering if I was unrealistic for wanting to have dinner regularly with my husband or to actually do fun activities with him on the weekends. I struggled to understand how much uncertainty was normal for a start-up. I had trouble finding resources to help us figure out how to nurture our marriage while still allowing my husband to pursue his dreams.
When I couldn’t find the resource I needed, I decided to write it myself. Over the course of three years that I spent conducting research, I had the privilege of interviewing dozens of entrepreneurial couples, as well as top marriage-family therapists, executive coaches, and investors, to hear their best advice.
Here’s what I learned: Beneath the shiny veneer of the start-up world, there is a lot of personal pain and heartbreak. Every entrepreneurial couple has wrestled with conflict, financial hardship, stress, betrayal, or burnout. Some have been able to achieve a reasonably comfortable life after some time; others have lost their homes, their savings, even each other.
We don’t often hear about this aspect of running a business because it’s ugly and messy. The intensive, fast-paced, unpredictable start-up life—whether you’re an entrepreneur or simply married to one—can force us to confront the darkest, most vulnerable parts of ourselves. It can bring to light all our fears and insecurities.
But here’s another thing I learned from those who have been doing this for far longer than my husband and I: For all its hardship, the up-and-down experiences of the entrepreneurial life can transform us into more mature and grounded people. It can give us clarity on what matters most in life. It can deepen the love and trust we have in one another.
If we let it, the start-up journey can be the best thing that ever happened to us.
Yet that’s only possible if we face the challenges head-on. We must acknowledge them and commit to working through them together. My deepest hope for my book is that it will empower entrepreneurial couples to do just that—to tackle the hardships and uncover the benefits that the crazy start-up life has to offer. I hope they will be able to nurture all of their loves, for the betterment of themselves and the rest of us.
Dorcas Cheng-Tozun is an award-winning writer and the author of Start, Love, Repeat: How to Stay in Love with Your Entrepreneur in a Crazy Start-up World (Hachette). She also writes a column for Inc.com on the intersection of start-up life with marriage, family, and personal well-being. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and two adorable hapa sons. Connect with her on Twitter @dorcas_ct
